I was recently invited to Austin Zen Center to offer a dharma talk and workshop on cultivating self-compassion. You can listen to the talk here.

“At the center of non-violence stands the principle of love.”
~ Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

Today, we mark the birthday of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. With his commitment to non-violence in mind, I am offering this post on my experience of self-compassion as non-violent action, including some practices for cultivating self-compassion in everyday life.

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I lived at Tassajara Zen Mountain Center for six months. Soon after I arrived, I noticed some loving-kindness graffiti on the stairs leading up to the back door of the kitchen. It seemed that someone had borrowed the black Sharpie usually used for labeling residents’ personal mugs and written, one word per step:

May

All

Beings

Be

Happy

Although I was familiar with the metta prayer, when I read it that day I realized that “all beings” included me. Up until then, I had put myself in a separate category, somehow believing that it was loving to wish that other beings be happy, but selfish to wish the same for myself. However, after seeing that sentence on the steps, I began to understand that leaving myself out was a subtle form of violence, and I began to explore this.

In working with clients and talking with friends, I have found that many of us who feel committed to the principles of non-violence tend to leave ourselves out. While we do our best to consciously extend compassion and love toward others, we may internally spend a great deal of time listening to an inner critic who finds fault with us for perceived shortcomings and mistakes.

When I first became aware of this pattern in myself, I wished that my inner critic would go away, and I sometimes felt an impulse to force myself to think differently. At Tassajara, my fellow residents and I hand-washed our clothes. Whenever I did laundry, the clothes wringer reminded of the futility of force: it had clear limits. If someone tried to put more than one item through at a time, the wringer broke down. A piece of masking tape above the roller bore the helpful, hand-written warning: “Don’t force anything.”

I found that what was true for the clothes wringer has been true in my relationship with my inner critic. If I attempted to use force with the either of them, I ended up feeling more frustrated: the wringer would break down, my inner critic became louder, and I would get caught in the same pattern of subtle violence that I was trying to interrupt and meet in a fresh way.

So, knowing that force is not the answer, I was faced with a question: How could I practice meeting the challenging parts of myself with compassion? Where to start?

“The first principle of non-violent action is that of non-cooperation with everything humiliating.” ~ Cesar Chavez

I began by noticing when I was internally experiencing a critical, judgmental or humiliating thought. Noticing is not the same as condoning or cooperating. In noticing, I was simply acknowledging what was present, rather than ignoring it or reacting to it.

After I began to notice critical thoughts, I started to experiment with labeling them. Sometimes I might say to myself, “I hear you”, “the inner critic is here” or “inner critic.” My Zen teacher once referred to challenging inner parts as “unloved angels.” At times, I say “unloved angel” to myself when a critical thought arises. I found it helpful to find a particular name for the inner critic that had personal meaning, and that was also respectful of this part of myself.

“The moment we choose to love we begin to move against domination, against oppression. The moment we choose to love we begin to move towards freedom, to act in ways that liberate ourselves and others.” ~ bell hooks

In cultivating internal non-violence, I noticed that I was developing a different kind of relationship with myself. Rather than reacting to what my inner critic said, I instead practiced abiding with it as it is. In a sense, I was loving it by allowing it to be, while at the same time interrupting both its habitual way of criticizing me, and my habitual response to it. Even if I didn’t like the things that my inner critic said, I found that I could become more willing to meet it in a spirit of loving curiosity.

As I began to relate to my inner critic in a more loving way, I made many surprising discoveries. For example, I found that this part of myself was often trying to offer help and support, or to protect me from a perceived threat, but that it simply was not very skillful. Rather than having flexibility or an attitude of experimentation, it rigidly persisted in acting in the ways that may have helped me in the past, but which no longer served me.

I also found that although my inner critic caused me pain, it also had valuable strengths that it had been practicing for many years, such as keen awareness, sensitivity and attention to detail. In fact, the more I got to know my inner critic, the more I saw that it desperately wanted to be of service, but that it simply did not know how with the skills it had.

I decided to experiment with finding an inner mentor for my inner critic; someone who could retrain it so that it could be of service. The mentor that fit best for me was Manjusri, the bodhisattva of wisdom and discernment. Seeing the relationship between criticism and discernment helped me relate to my inner critic in a more loving way. I was able to see it as a bodhisattva in training, rather than a destructive part of myself. I kept a small statue of Manjusri on my altar, and whenever I noticed a critical thought, I would label it as such, and ask Manjusri’s guidance. It seemed that when I abided with my inner critic in this way – viewing it as a bodhisattva in training and acknowledging its authentic strengths – its critical thoughts became significantly less caustic. I now have a less contentious internal relationship with my inner critic, and I see this mentoring process as ongoing – perhaps lifelong.

“The fruit of self-understanding is self-acceptance.

The fruit of self-acceptance is self-love.

The fruit of self-love is love for the world.

The fruit of love for the world is service to the world.

The fruit of service to the world is peace.”

~ Russell Rowe

I have found a direct connection between the cycle of violence I see in the world, and the way that each of us can perpetuate that cycle internally. By cultivating self-compassion, we can choose to come into relationship with all parts of ourselves, particularly the more challenging ones, such as the inner critic. When we relate to these parts with compassion, we embody the principles of non-violence internally, and we can more fully live in the service of peace and freedom for all beings.

Tags: inner critic, non-violence, self-compassion tools

I wrote an article about self-compassion for the Summer 2010 issue of Turning Wheel, the journal of the Buddhist Peace Fellowship. In it I share some of my experiences with the power of self-compassion, as well as three practices to help cultivate self-compassion in our everyday lives.

Tags: buddhism, mindfulness, self-compassion, self-compassion tools